Cancer 101: What Not to Say

I've been asked why now. After all these years of privacy, why am I going so public. I guess when something is important enough, you set a goal and do what you need to meet the goal. It won't be easy to raise $5000, but with the help of a lot of people, I will be successful.

I think, though, the real question is why I've kept so private. I guess partly it's because I'm a private person. I also wanted to keep a sense of normalcy for my kids, especially when they were younger. My illness didn't need to interfere with their lives. Another reason was to prevent others from being uncomfortable--or making me uncomfortable. I suppose it is difficult to know what to say or what to do for someone who is obviously going through treatment. If one is unsure what to say, I would recommend saying nothing. A simple "how are you doing?" and really meaning it (rather than just as a passing phrase) would be nice. "You look really good," again sincerely, even though we all know I don't. Just treating me like anyone else is the best strategy. If my family didn't continue to make fun of my foibles, I would feel bad.

What not to say? "I can't believe you have the nerve to wear that!" a few days after a mastectomy, while looking disapprovingly at my shirt--trust me, you can't tell. "You're lucky you're still alive. My (fill in the blank with a person) died..." "I'm glad it's you since you handle pain a lot better than me." I really doubt it. "If you die tomorrow, you'll have no regrets." These are all comments I've heard (some more than once) from well-meaning friends.

The best thing someone did was my sister who sent me the ugliest thing she could find every week of my treatments--for 10 months. We really looked forward to Wednesday to see the new "present". My sister-in-law and her three kids were so kind, but treated me absolutely normally--not something you can describe. I think it is just the way they always are. My neighbor who brought dinner for my family on the night, 3 days after each chemo., when she knew that was the night I wouldn't feel up to cooking. Just little words or actions, or nothing at all, is best. Don't try to force anything.